Caring Ain't Love
Is it worth losing your soul
Sacrificing your shadow
Beating at your heart
Being lonely in love…
me.to.me.~ Brittany K.W., 10/13/2015.
Recently, my morning meditations consist of me reading All About Love by Bell Hooks and Inward by Yung Pueblo. You can say I am on a journey of unpacking, unlearning, being honest with myself, and rebuilding myself. If I know anything at all, I know the healing ain't easy. As beautiful as it is, it hurts, it's uncomfortable, but, most of all, it is humbly rewarding because you have to face the truth-- no matter how hard the truth is to digest.
While I was reading a chapter in All About Love, I was forced to reevaluate my relationships with those I love, from the family realm to the romantic realm. Of all the people I love (present or released), as much as "I love you" was exchanged, I have not been loved in every relationship-- I have been cared for. One may say that the two are the same, and while someone you love cares for you, someone who cares for you doesn't necessarily love you.
Let's speak of the differences: as defined in All About Love, love "is the will to nurture our own and another's spiritual growth... we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist." Care, however, is a mix of interest, providing and affection, which are all subject to conditions.
I am in my twenties and am now being forced to come accept the fact that as much as I love people, I am not always loved back, but I'm not surprised. Your spirit knows when something is not love, even when the word is used. The experiences do the telling that words won't do. My spirit has told on a lot of love partners, but empathetic and sympathetic me always held on to the care as a reason to stick around.
A secret about me that isn't much of a secret: I attached to emotionally unavailable or wounded people who do not have the capacity to love, and I always ended up giving more than I received. In that, I literally thought if I did more-- if I over-loved-- maybe then they would reciprocate. Honey. Darling. Beloved. You cannot love somebody harder for them to love you back, not even in the slightest way. They may care for you, but they won't love you because of your love. They will love you on their own account. And while care is nice, it is not filling.
Before you think this only applies to romantic partners, let me clarify: this applies to parents, aunts and uncles, siblings, friends, co-workers, partners, and *ding ding ding* yourself, because baby, self-love is the precedent for what you will and will not accept. Low self-love will have you accepting care opposed to love because it's safe and what you know. Low self-love will have you accepting care opposed to love because you're scared to speak up or offend somebody's ego. Bountiful self-love will have you setting boundaries and loving from a distance.
Love is patient, unconditional, kind, intentional, and gentle. It is not unkind, conditional, negligent, unintentional, and hurtful. That means even on days when things aren't the best between you and the person you love, unkind words won't be exchanged, the person won't abandon you or hurt your heart, and love will still be present and intentional.
No matter how old you get, it's hard coming to terms with the fact that somebody didn't love you, and if I can tell you another secret, if somebody does not love themself, they cannot love you.
I built a relationship with somebody in recent years that I thought was loving. Today, I can say it was loving on my part, but in return, I received care. As time progressed, as in all forms of relationships, disagreements happened-- we didn't always see eye to eye, and in those moments I chose to be patient, gentle, nurturing and kind. However, on the receiving end, I received messages that were hurtful. Granted, apologies followed, but the damage was done. On top of the initial damage, the hurtful messages would come in following instances, and I often felt guilty and tried to fix things or apologize. When I didn't, I was told I gave up too easily. There came a point when I realized I needed to set boundaries before I ended up believing all of the hurtful things and playing a role in a hurtful non-loving cycle. I told myself and the person that should a disagreement happen and hurtful words or unkind actions follow, the relationship as it was would no longer be. The next time came, and I kept that promise to myself. In all the years I struggled speaking up for myself, this was the first time I felt like it came naturally.
While letting go of something you've held onto is hard, holding on while hurting is harder. I've had to refer to the final message several times to keep myself from running back to safety-- to keep myself from running back in the name of love because I deeply love that person. However, loving someone at a distance is a thing; it's actually beautiful. I don't love the person any less, just differently. In making hard decisions and setting boundaries, you reveal things about people that they could not see before (or maybe they did), and at a distance, you can only pray they work on those things.
Am I upset that I was cared for but not loved? Not at all because being cared for felt safe and sufficient for the person I was then-- it wouldn't work for me as the woman I am today because this self-love I have now... baby we don't settle for care. I'm also not upset because I made the choice to stay, and I've learned so much about what love is and what it's not in the healing process, and what I will and won't accept thereafter.
Realizing you are only cared for, and not loved, is not a reason for you to stop loving or for you to change how you love-- your love is your superpower.
So Beloved, I hope you define what love means to you. I hope you set standards and boundaries for every love relationship you have and will have in the future. I pray you do not settle for care because it's safe or you're unsure that you will meet someone else to build such a relationship with. Love will always surround you and make itself available to you-- if you let it. You deserve a love that honors you, respects you and communicates with you gently.