Grown Behind Child
"Girls are to be seen and not heard."
At 25, I'm still learning how to speak up for myself
Especially to the woman who told me to be quiet
At 25, I'm still learning how to speak up for myself
Especially to the woman who told me to be quiet
A childhood tragedy.
.
Unlearning~ Brittany K.W., 02/02/21
When I was younger, similar to most, I wanted to grow up so bad. Being an adult seemed like the greatest thing to be. It looked fun-- you get to do what you want to do, go where you want to go, get married to your favorite partner before a certain age, have kids, have a job, travel... the list goes on. If it was up to me, I would have sprinted through childhood and just became an adult, but as an adult, I wish I appreciated childhood more-- in a sense. I am glad I didn't have the opportunity to sprint to this stage because at 25 I am unpacking childhood traumas.
For context, I am going to tell you some of the things my younger self thought I would have accomplished by 25 (jokes on me):
- Married to the love of my life by 22-- babyyyyy, I'm single at 25.
- Have 2 of 6 kids, possibly pregnant with my third-- Haaaa!!! Do I even want 3?
- Have my own house with at least 6 bedrooms and three bathrooms-- chilleeeeeee
- Be a stay at home mom and take care of the house-- I don't want to do either; I love my career and the career paths that will be added to0 much. I love myself too much for that.
- Traveling the world with my spouse and having sex on balconies-- what is sex?
- The list goes onnnnnnnn...
First things first, God bless the child without trauma-- the adult child that is. If you're like me, you're a grown behind child trying to figure it all out. It's as if one day everything was squeaky clean, and then something happens or someone says something, and it hurts like hell. Something that would be so small to someone else is something big to you, and your inner child gets to screaming and breaking down into one million pieces. Let me put myself on the soapbox for a moment of relation.
Recently, I was on the phone with a friend during one of my breaks from work (I work remotely as a school-based speech-language pathologist). Typically, my breaks look like me journeying to the kitchen to grab a snack and a wine bottle and talking to one of my tribe members. During this particular break my mom wanted me to do something, and instead of telling her "no" or "not right now," I did it. However, I didn't do it in a peaceful manner-- I started slamming cabinet doors, banging pots and pans, and being short. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's very on brand for my inner child.
My friend asked, "Why don't you tell her how you feel or speak up for yourself?" The reality is, I didn't know how-- I never have. As a child, I could not ask my mother questions, couldn't talk back in defense of myself, and I was "to be seen and not heard." Years later, that was still weighing heavy on me, and it has showed up in every relationship that I've had-- hence why I am not rushing to be married at 25.
In relationships, I played small more often than not. Speaking up for myself was a foreign language-- it was hard to do. I could have a whole script in my head of what I wanted to say in order to be seen and heard, but when my moment came, I shut down and often let my partner go without knowing how I felt. I was content with making things okay even if they weren't okay. I was content with having a voice that went unheard-- that's what I learned without knowing. Hell, I was more comfortable with banging on desks and throwing chairs than to say something as simple as, "I don't like that" or "It hurt me when you did or said that."
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, my mom started to make assumptions pertaining to my way of life and spirituality that were far from the truth, and no matter how many times I told her she was wrong, her perceptions remained. Initially, I tried to defend myself passively because my inner child feared my mother, but I put on my Grown Behind Child cape and saved myself because my line had been crossed. I chose bravery over fear and told my mother in the firmest voice I've ever used what it was and what it wasn't. It didn't go quite well-- she became offended and took it as disrespect. That's on brand because of how I've navigated my relationships with her as a Grown Behind Child-- I navigated it the way I did as a child. Scared. Hesitant. Small. The look in her eyes was as if she didn't know who I was, and she didn't.
I called my friend thereafter, and I said what had happened. The response went something like, "Yes Britt! I'm proud of you!" I was proud of me too, but I also started to question how far along in life I would be if my hurting inner child had been tended to earlier than 25. But neither here nor there, that's only one portion of childhood traumas and behaviors that we're unlearning over here.
One may ask, why is unlearning and "dwelling on your inner child" important?
The answer is simple: you will do the same thing to your child. You'll navigate relationships of all types in accordance with these behaviors. You will do it unknowingly. You will do it out of a hurt place. You will do it out of envy. You will do it as a cry for help. And you will hurt somebody else who had nothing to do with it.
I'd be damned if my child ever says that I am the reason why they are the way they are, in a hurting sense-- why they made themselves small, stopped expressing themselves, chose somebody else over their happiness. I don't want my future babies to live their lives to make me comfortable. I want them to be happy, whole, kind, and free. I want them to live a life they choose to live, knowing their mama will support them. Don't get me wrong, I will correct what needs to be corrected with gentleness, but I will never limit my babies.
What I want for my future babies is what I want for myself-- for my inner child-- because no matter how old we get, we're all just Grown Behind Children, learning, unlearning and re-learning. We're all just trying to get it right for ourselves, so that we can live freely and transcend from this lifetime knowing we lived life well.
I love my mom with every ounce of my being, and I'm forever grateful for her. She did what she learned, and in my unlearning, she's unlearning too. She's been forced to see her own imperfections and hold herself accountable for her actions. Is that easy? Absolutely not, but we all deserve the chance to get it right-- no matter how old we are.
So Beloved, I hope you take the time at some point to sit with your inner child. Find out what hurts. Find the reason behind why you are the way you are as a Grown Behind Child. If there's not a thing you would change, I'm happy for you. If you find some things you need healing from, I send you so much love, power, and strength. It's not a straight path-- it's not all sunshine. Baby it will pour down raining on you, but sunflowers don't grow without the rain. You've got this.
Your inner child deserves a breakthrough.
You deserve to love yourself through.
You deserve healing.
You deserve freedom.
I love you.
Talk to you soon. Xo. Britt 🌹