Fear of the Good

But what if it won’t end
What if this experience will last until my last breath
What if this is the love I prayed for and manifested
What if this is the one, but out of fear, I’m one foot out the door ready to run

What if....

self.sabotage. ~Brittany K.W., 02/17/2021

I think (insert: "I know") sometimes we trick ourselves out of the things we deserve and wanted, out of fear. Fear has its way of creeping up in between the cracks when we least expect it. It's an unconscious phenomenon that we have to fight day in and day out. Why? Because past experiences made us think that some things are "too good to be true." Past experiences made us think that all good things come to an end. In relationships, past experiences made us believe in the "honeymoon phase."

But what if the good doesn't end? What if this is just the beginning of all the good you've sown seeds for? What if all this good you're experiencing is a full circle from all the good you put out into the world? What if you are experiencing the love you give? What if everything is going as it should? What if everything had to happen as it did so you can end up right here, in all of this goodness?

While on a FaceTime call with two of my sister friends, the topic came up of self-sabotaging, specifically in the romantic realm. We all want to experience good love that lasts. We pray for it. We manifest it. We journal about it. We heal for it. We prepare ourselves for it. Then it arrives, and we start getting anxious, anticipating the moment when it will fall apart. We start waiting for our lovers to stop choosing to love us as we are-- just like the others who came, said they loved us, then woke up one day and decided this wasn't the love they wanted. We find home in this new love, yet we keep one foot in the door way, ready to make a run for it. We fear that it won't always be this good. They won't always see us as lovable. They won't always want to choose us and our love. We fear that the good in love doesn't last like we hope it will, so we taint it.

May I tell you a secret? You are more than deserving of all the good this life has to offer, whether it's in love, your career, your platonic and familial relationships, in your spiritual walk, on your healing journey... all of it.

For one second, meditate on some of the experiences that you've had up until this moment. As much as we don't like to relish on the past, take a minute and think of some of the experiences that hurt the most. When you finish, take a deep breath. You know what that is? Survival. For you to be here, in this present moment, despite all of the negative experiences, is to say you are resilient. If nothing else, you deserve all the good for how you've transmuted the hurt, the pain, the anger, the disappointment-- whatever it was. 

You deserve it all, Beloved, no matter how much you've been through. It's all an integral part of the larger experience we call life. 

The experiences in between teach you things. They reveal your strengths and your weakness. They show you what you do and don't like. They show you what you will and will not compromise for. They reveal what you will and will not accept.They are all apart of the journey-- even the ones that disappointed you the most.

Now, for some people, love works out on the first try-- we love to see it. For the rest of us, not so much. But guess what? There's a beauty in giving love another try, no matter what happened the last time or the time before that, and so on. There's a gift in giving love another try, and I really do hope you never stop giving love another try until you arrive at your forever love. Love is always worth trying. There is someone for everybody in this world-- just remember nobody belongs to you.

"Ermias used to say that you can't possess people, you experience them." ~Lauren London

When you remember that people and their love are to be experienced and not possessed, you will experience love differently. You won't try holding on or forcing something that isn't; you will take every moment as it is. Allow yourself to move freely within it, opposed to trying to control it. What's meant to be will not choose to abandon you-- it will be. Allow it.

So Beloved, I think it's time we remove fear from our love equations and add in freedom, grace and allowance. We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to all the versions of ourselves that have transcended and journeyed with us to this moment. You are a magnet of love. Let it be.

The best love awaits you. 

The most beautiful love will arrive at your heart's door, for you. 

The most you type of love will reciprocate all of the love you give.

Give love one more try-- every single time. You'll find the "why." 

I love you.

Talk to you soon. xo- Britt 🌹