A Limited Love
If I could hold a note, I would’ve sang your favorite song on repeat just so you’d listen to me
Just so you could have heard how much you meant to me
Just to have reason to fill your heart and mind
Just to be remembered by you
…. If nothing else, I had hoped to get that
To be remembered by you
For all that I tried to be to you
For all of the love I tried to give to you
I just hoped that you’d remember me
~In the Shadows, BrittanyKW, December, 2024
--
Hey Beloved,
I hope you are doing well. I hope you are keeping your heart light as a feather. I hope you are keeping yourself surrounded by good company-- by people who make you laugh, who make you feel safe and at home, who see, hear and regard you. I pray you're surrounding yourself with people you can learn from. Because more than ever, we all need that. In a world that can break your heart, we all need someone or community to return home to. When we feel as if the world is falling apart, we all need someone or community to intervene in prayer on our behalf. All of us need somebody. All of us need each other. The people around us are the ones who will hold us up and together. We are responsible for one another.
So, as much as I hope all these things for you, I also hope these things of you. That you are being a vessel of such good to others. I pray that you are a safe landing space for others and that you are taking good care of the hearts within your community. I pray that you are holding yourself accountable for how you handle and treat that which God has gifted to you in this season, including His people, for "to whom much is given, much is required."
Love is the one thing that will heal us all; do well with it. And if you are not ready, hold off on it. We do damage to people when we show up for love unequipped and unwilling to be stretched to grow in love.
--
Donny Hathaway's A Song for You was playing from a record player on the second floor of the matte black brownstone, where the front window had been slightly opened, allowing the fresh air to flow in, in an exchange for the grief filled energy that saturated the room. Such an exchange was a reminder of the gifts that spring would soon bring. Newness. Light feelings. Revived joy.
All of the these were needed from the woman who took up space within that front room.
Beyond the walls of the brownstone, Melody could make out the words to the song that took up space in the air, amongst the invisible wind that swayed the trees on their photoshoot ready Bedstuy block, as she exited Marcus' car following a long first day back at work. She knew what Imani playing this song meant; she was either really sad or scrubbing the baseboards like she was Molly the Maid's employee of the month. But it was a Tuesday, and it was 60 degrees outside. There was no way Ms. Feet in the Grass on 60 degree days was scrubbing for some pennies and nickels. But she might just be scrubbing for a change.
Melody hauled her suitcases up the staircase, returning from a month's worth of traveling with the love of her life. Two weeks before Valentine's Day, he had a bouquet delivered to her job with a note inside reading:
Hey Baby,
I love you and want you to know that today's your last day at work until March 10th. I reached out to your supervisor a few weeks ago requesting that you be able to work remotely until the 13th, before taking unpaid time off, beginning Friday, the 14th, and she approved. A direct deposit from my account to yours reflecting your pay for a month will deposit on that day, in addition to your salary. And you'll still have your PTO days; don't worry baby.
"Excuse me!"
She held her breath in awe before coming back to her senses and finishing her reading.
In the meantime, I hope you're ready to be an island woman alongside me for a month filled with days dedicated to me loving you with all of my time, heart and soul. The clothes you ordered for that hypothetical month-long girls' trip to Jamaica? Yeah, that was for this. I had Imani drop the clothes to the cleaners while you were with me on Wednesday, and everything will be ready for you to pack when you get home. We can grab last minute things between tonight and tomorrow, with our departure date being on the 9th. I know you hate surprises, but I love you and cannot wait to cross this box off your bucket list.
And he did just that and so much more.
"Oh, Imani Mikaylaaaaaaaaa!!!"
Melody was lowering her bags onto the floor when Imani ran into the living room to hold the girl whose arms hadn't held her in over a month. Whose love and comfort she had craved. Whose love was her reminder that good love still exists; even when you think your heart is too broken for it. Melody was home for Imani, and Imani was home for her-- even though she had extended stays with her man these days.
"I've missed you so much!"
"Girl, you couldn't have missed me too much, hopscotching across the Caribbean with your man," she replied with a handful of sass. "And not him crossing off the one thing you thought you'd never do on the list."
"Right!? And you were just sticking beside him, planning things behind my back for over a month," Melody replied, combing her words with claps for almost extra emphasis. "But before we get into all of that, can we get into you?"
Melody was canvasing her eyes over her sister-girlfriend, leaning in to spin her around in a circle, so she can admire the beauty of her outer-being, paling in comparison to her spirit and heart.
Imani let loose, submitting to the movements initiated by the woman who had been gone for what seemed like a century, while Imani fought silent battles. "What about me?"
"Well, besides that ass growing back yonder, when I was strolling down up those black stairs to those emerald green, gold-trimmed double doors downstairs, with my luggage in hand, I heard Mr. Hathaway blasting through the speakers from your room."
Before Melody could continue, Imani subtly turned the volume down on her phone. She was using the bluetooth feature on her vinyl player, and the next song from her playlist would be very telling. Her emotions were, and she had to save face.
Imagine "No More Rain (In This Cloud)" coming on after this; I wouldn't be able to hide my hurt if I tried.
In a subtle, yet empty, defense, she belittled Melody's point.
"It's just a song."
"It ain't just a song when you've presented me a dissertation on the meaning of the song to you," she responded with a sternness Imani knew she wouldn't get past. "What's it you said? 'I either listen to it when I'm deeply in love and cleaning or heartbroken and in shambles.'"
Imani rolled her eyes, with her back towards Melody-- hoping the busy work she randomly began doing, rearranging her plants, mixed in with her silence, would be enough for the conversation to fall flat on the wooden floor beneath her feet. For all she cared, the conversation could go to hell.
"So, you're just going to ignore me?"
Melody grabbed the snake plant out of Imani's hands, set it on the floor and pulled Imani into the most wholesome yet heartbreaking embrace. The embrace she'd been running from because it'd force her to acknowledge her reality. That she'd went back to the same person who hurt her in the same way months prior, irresponsibly, without ever checking to see if she was okay. But she knows she shouldn't have kept the porch light on for a return-- nothing proved this time would be any different.
"I don't want to talk about it," she whispered through her tears. "You're fresh off of a trip filled with love, good memories, your man, and..."
She felt something hard caressing her backside every time Melody moved her hands in circular motions.
"Melody Ellington!!!! Is that what I think it is on my backside?"
Imani tried unwinding herself from the embrace so she could see for herself if her assumption was correct.
"There's a time for joy, and there's a time for grief," Melody responded, keeping her grip and sway in tact. "Right now, I'm holding space for your grief. You may try to get around it with everybody else, but we're addressing it. Here and now."
"How do you know I'm not in love?"
"Because when you're in love, you live in that love."
That response caused Imani's shoulders to drop in harmony with the tears that lived within her vessel, bound by a fear that if they fell to the floor, so would she-- she'd just fall apart opposed to hitting the floor.
"I know you Mani, better than I know myself sometimes."
Melody found herself using one of the hands she was using to caress love and care down her sister-friend's spine to wipe her own tears that managed to break free, having been held back by the brick wall she had built around her emotions over time.
"And I'm sorry I've been gone while..."
"Don't you go apologizing for being in love and happy because the people I keep trying to love don't know how to love me back."
Her words were filled with the hurt she had been pushing into the depths of her being, that, without permission, found their way to past her boundaries and lodged in the voice box responsible for letting those same words free.
"Don't you go thinking you have to be broken with me," she said unraveling out of the embrace to embrace the new step of love that was signified by the oval cut emerald that sat atop a diamond and 14 K gold band. "One of us has to be loved well. One of us has to be proof that good love exists. This love, this certainty you have, you deserve that Mel. The women who keep breaking my heart do not deserve to steal your happiness, too."
"I know, but..."
"Ain't no but! I mean that with my whole heart."
The tears were spilling out, reminding her that she still had a heart. That she still had feelings. That she was still grieving. Even if everybody else had moved on.
But Melody didn't care. Imani was her soft spot, and she was willing to lay it all down for her.
"And I mean it with my whole heart when I say I'm about to start beating these women up over you because what is it?!?!"
"Limited capacity. Attachments to their exes. Emotional irresponsibility. Therapy speech."
Before she could keep going, Melody had grabbed her phone and was ready to call Che` to come down.
It just better not be who I think it is breaking Mani's heart again.
"Please don't call her," Imani pleaded. "She warned me about her; told me she reminded her of the woman she had dated when she was around my age. I couldn't even muster up the bravery to tell her what happened-- how it fell apart. How she doesn't reach out. Nothing."
"Well, if you ain't tell her, you sit that tail down right here and tell me."
Melody sat on the yellow L-shaped couch that Imani managed to fit into her room-- by both size and style. Nobody agreed with her vision until it was fully executed; similar to how none of her lovers could see her vision in love until they lost it.
"In summary, I told her I needed more," she began, holding her breath so that the slightest bit of oxygen wouldn't be enough energy to push the rest of her tears forward in between words. "I wanted the cute dates, road trips, moments and memories for us, with just us, to have to hold onto when things got hard, or if work pulled us apart for days at a time, but that was beyond her capacity."
"Beyond her capacity? The same girl who had it in her to book a flight to go see a co-worker she had just met on a work retreat? The same girl who would randomly plan and show up for date days with her friends? Tell me, when was the last time y'all went on a date?"
"With her planning or mine?"
"Either."
"Me, maybe two months ago, and when I proposed for us to go on another one, I had it all planned out and all, she never followed up. And on her part, we never went on one."
"Bitch! Never went on one?! Excuse me?! Pardon my manners, but that was just your friend with benefits Mani."
"Don't say that, she was more..."
"She was more than that to you, but you were a friend with benefits to her. You were a vessel for her to heal through. Someone to come home to and feel safe with every night. You were a constant void filler. And she had the audacity to say God answered her prayers when it came to you!
"She doesn't have the capacity because romance was never her pursuit. Healing or covering up the pain was. And because you are so gracious, loving, gentle, and patient, keeping you around was ideal. You became the perfect vessel.
"But people like her cannot show up in love with reciprocity when the intention to do so was never there. They might do little things here and there for maintenance-- just to keep you-- but somewhere along the way you settled Mani, and I know that this part hurts, because you gave so much and wanted the bare minimum, but I need you to hear me. If you ever find yourself asking somebody for the bare minimum-- be it dates, consideration, their time-- promise me you will leave.
"Promise me that you won't compromise your standards just to be able to say you loved somebody. Promise me that you won't go back to her because all you've known is her in this season. I know there are empty moments in your day that you would have once filled with the two of you, but don't you request her presence to fill them, again. Don't you dare text or call somebody who showed you that they just don't want to.
"A person who wanted to always will, just like you did. I saw the ways you make shifted your world for that girl, bent your back just to make sure she was always okay, and she doesn't have the capacity?!"
The words spilled out of Melody's mouth without consideration of Imani's desire to respond, nor the band-aid they were ripping off. But it needed to be ripped off; somebody had to see how wounded she really was. How heavy the grief weighed on her.
For the last month, all she could do was hold herself and catch her own tears, because life doesn't ask you about your grief when it piles up things at your door. It still requires you to show up, and showing up she did. But the night hours held tight to the thundering sound of her sobbing. A lonely Friday night held the memory of her hyperventilating to the point her nighttime blunt was no longer enough, and only her grandmother's prayers would do. And so she called, greeting her favorite lady with a "hello" that was substituted by the sound of tears and lost breaths.
She'd waited all day for acknowledgement from the woman she loved on the holiday curated just for lovers, and she got nothing but silence, and it spoke louder than any word ever spoken. Every "I love you" uttered before was now silenced. Because love doesn't leave you feeling empty, and her grandmother's prayer on that Friday night reminded her of just that.
Good Lord, you are mighty God. Mighty enough to save us all. Mighty enough to make all things right, so make it right for my grandbaby. You know what her heart is bearing. Only You, Lord, know what is hurting her. So, I come to ask that you fix it. Make it right for my baby. Be a source of comfort. Be a present help. Be the God that sticks closer than a brother. Let your power fall, Holy Father. Be a light in her darkness. Be a river in her desert. Be the way in her wilderness. But most of all God, be her firm foundation and solid rock. Keep my baby's heart light. Don't let ManiMan's heart be hardened by the ways of this world. Whatever it is Lord, take this cup from her, in due time. Whatever she is to learn, let it be taught. Whatever she is to release, let it be gone. Whatever your will be, Lord, let it be realized. But Father, take care of my baby in the ways I can't. Hold my baby in the ways that I can't. And make every crooked path straight for my baby. Restore her peace. Restore her joy. Restore her heart. Restore her, and for all she's lost God, give her better and more. Work miracles for her. And even in this God, let Your name be glorified. I praise you, God, for being a mighty and good God. And though she say nothing about it to me Lord, you know what it is that is concerning Imani. So I trust you with her. To the God of my yesterdays and all of my tomorrows, I thank you in advance for healing my baby. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
"Now, you go on and thank God for breaking your heart so your real lifetime partner can come on in, without an ounce of confusion about whether or not they're ready to love you and be with you. God is not a God of confusion."
"Granny!! Who told you someb--"
"I touch the hem of His garment, daily, baby," Granny responded in her most proud tone and tenor. "I know a broken heart by the sound of those tears, and I know you to only ever cry about love. You're my strongest grandbaby, but when it comes to love, my baby, you fall apart the hardest. I'll never not know."
"Granny, I thought she would be the one."
"And ain't she tell you she wasn't ready? You were set up to be a memory of hers from the beginning. Let her be a memory of yours too. She doesn't deserve your tears, nor your presence. Watch God do a new thing because, as ya old lady always says, 'There's somebody out there...'"
"Who you wont have to question nor ask for anything from."
She knew that statement like the back of her hand. Granny always said it to her when they spoke on love and relationships, for Granny was the real Queen of Hearts when it came to love.
The recollection of Granny's prayer brought her back to solid ground, both, that night and in the moment she was sharing with her sister-friend, who secretly got engaged. At least love was working out for one of them.
"Enough of my grief, my girl is getting married!?!?!"
--
So, Beloved, all these words highlight one thing-- the cycle will keep repeating if you don't take time to learn from it. We play a role in our own heartbreak when we expect different results from the same kind of input from the same people who have yet to change. You cannot love somebody into becoming the person you think they have the potential to be; that's selfish. You either leave them be, or count the days until your next heartbreak. And while both may not be preferred, only one of them saves you in the long run.
You are nobody's void filler. So, take good care of your heart, and don't settle just for the chance to say you loved. You deserve a reciprocal love, and it awaits you on the other side of you settling for those who show you they cannot give what you give nor what you ask; especially that which equates to the bare minimum. That type of love is lonely, and you deserve more.
Until next time, I love you.
Talk to you soon. xo- BrittanyK.W.🌹