Something You Could Be Proud Of
1. Don't curse me out, or I will curse you out.
2. Always try.
3. Always bet on yourself."
~Ms. Webb, M.S., CCC-SLP, TSSLD, October 2021, Bronx, NY
Those were the words I told my kids during my first week at my dream school. To you I may be a poet, your favorite blogger, sister, cousin, auntie, girlfriend, or your new favorite doula, but during the day, I am a speech-language pathologist at an all boys high school in The Bronx-- the South Bronx to be exact. And to my babies, I have become home.
Stepping into that building on my first day was a full circle moment. My family is rooted in the South Bronx. My great-aunt lives five minutes away from my school in the apartment my mother used to play in, in the projects where she and her siblings used to make family out of the neighbors and kids in the park.
I always said all I ever wanted to do was work in a low-income community with children of color and give them some form of hope-- a reminder that you can change your situation as long as you play your cards right. And I got just what I wanted. In the middle of the pandemic, in lieu of mandates I refused to abide by, and a world of uncertainty, I got the school of my dreams. But somehow in the same breath, tomorrow is my last day because I am walking away from the agency that put me there.
For the last two months I have been preparing my boys for this day because all they know is people who get up and leave them... without warning and with a mouthful of broken promises. And part of me felt guilty because I proved them right. They told me I wouldn't stay throughout the school year, and I didn't. But it wasn't because of them or because the work was too much. Tomorrow is my last day because I stood up for myself. Because I wouldn't accept being lied to. Because I wouldn't accept being manipulated. Because I wouldn't settle for being devalued for the sake of saying "I made it through the school year."
And as many times as I've heard "Miss, you can't go," or "Miss, that's mad selfish of you," I looked every last one of them in they eye and told them, "I want you to learn from me in this moment. I am making the decision I am making because I want better for me." February 17th is my last day, not because I don't love them or the work is too hard, but because I stood up for myself.
I want my boys to learn from me. I want them to see what it looks like to never settle. It would have been easy to say and just say "this is what I asked for," but as much as it was what I asked for, it was also what I didn't ask for. I didn't ask for unfair pay. I didn't ask for inconsistencies. I didn't ask for low vibrational co-workers and administrators. I didn't ask for a supervisor who would lie to me, blatantly.
I did sign up to leave a lasting love on my kids, to plant seeds for them to change their own minds, to support their growth and development, as well as my own, and to show them a world outside of the four corners of The Bronx. And I will continue to do just that-- outside of the four walls of my office, once decorated with plants and white Christmas lights just to brighten up their day.
I have to grow and evolve, too, but I can't continue to do that under the conditions I work under. And you may be wondering how I can just leave jobs like I do or how I'll get benefits... here's some background.
When I graduated from graduate school, opposed to going to work for the DOE where I'd get a salary and benefits, I chose the agency route. While it pays fee-for-service and the benefits are less ideal, it offers flexibility, and if you know me, I am a butterfly who navigates towards light, love and freedom. Through agencies, I can pick up and deny cases at-will. I make my own schedule. I can take off when I need/want to (only mojitos on a 50 degree plus day or a vacation will make me do such). And to ensure I'm always set, I got healthcare coverage on my own-- there's no deductible and the premium is lower than that offered by agency. And lastly, I transition when I no longer feel rooted and watered-- where I am no longer at home.
In the words of one of my favorite gals Sam, "[I] may not stay at a job, but [I'm] damn sure gonna keep a job."
A number of those in my tribe have been worried throughout this whole process-- dating back to when I started at the school because the NYC mandate came in, and if I was going to do anything, I was going to do it on my timing.
Temporary pressures weren't going to change anything or make me rush to make permanent decisions. My plan didn't make sense to everybody, but it made sense to me, and now I have all that I wanted.
The day I told myself I was leaving, agencies I've had tucked in my back pocket were sending me offers and cases I hadn't even asked for, and to add the cherry on top, they were remote cases with an increase in pay. No hour commute. No tolls. No dragging my feet in the morning. I received the blessing I waited for because I let go of what was comfortable.
So, you're telling me without quitting, praying, writing it down, or affirming it, you got what you desired?
Yes, that would be correct. Because life happens for me-- not to me. And that is what I tell my kids. Do the work and make a way to where you can receive what makes your heart jump. Makes you feel free. Makes you feel at home.
So within the four walls of the only place, for most of them, that has offered them love, light, accountability, education, and peace with a hint of sandalwood all at once, I told them, "A year from now, five years from now and beyond, I will be able to look back on this moment and say that I spoke of for myself, stood up for myself, and I didn't settle because there was a dollar attached to something."
When you take a step back and you allow yourself the opportunity to have that which you are praying for, that which you are really manifesting, you'll be proud you stepped out of your own way. And granted there will be some people who do not understand your vision or decisions-- the people who will question everything that you do-- but you cannot expect people to understand it all when God didn't give them the vision. It's yours.
So Beloved, I know you may not be a speech-language pathologist, but I know you have goals and you may have obstacles. You are on your own journey. But if I can leave you with anything, I will leave you with the same thing I am leaving my boys with. Whatever decision you make today, make sure a year from now, five years from now, and every interval of years thereafter, you can say you were proud of this moment. Make sure you always try. Make sure you don't procrastinate on making that change you've been waiting on but are scared to make because you cannot blame anybody else. You cannot blame others for you being stagnant or waiting. So, always bet on yourself. Always give it the best you've got. And make sure you let go of the deadweight because those manifested miracles and blessings cannot fit into the small spaces in between. God's too big to play small with you. Play big.
Clear your path. Mend your heart. Bet on you. And let all that you seek come to you. And should you lose sight of it all, I leave you with the following quotes:
"Everything you want wants you back."~ Imani Cohen
"All I want is what I'm worth."~Imani Cohen