Light is Off.

I’m not a temporary home
For the feelings that slowly escape out her back door
I’m a permanent home
Where mortgage is paid in sure choices
So if you don’t know where you want to stay for sure
Pack your shit and leave through the front door

I’ll turn off the porch light behind you .

go.~Brittany K.W., 11/26/20 

We find comfort in holding on to that which we've experienced-- we attach to what we know. In attaching to such things, be it good or bad, we knowingly play a role in repeating cycles. Often times, these cycles show up in our relationships. Today, I am talking about romantic relationships, and I'll touch on parental. 

Why not friendships?

For some reason, we often hold our friends more accountable for their actions than we do our lovers and parents. We're quick to correct friends, or leave friendships, when we don't like something that was said or how something played out. We don't extend as much grace. We don't nurture the bonds in that realm as much. We see friendships as being more disposable than they ought to be. 

In my adult years, I've learned that true friendships set the precedent for every other relationship. It is your friends who will read you to filth (in love) and shine a light on that which you've ignored. It is your true (unbiased) friends who will tell you that you are giving more than you are receiving in a relationship. It is your friends who will sit you down and tell you that you are not being loved adequately, if at all. It is your friend who will tell you that you need to work on healing from past hurt-- be it from partners or parents. Hold on to your friends, and extend love and grace to them the way you would to your other love relationships. 

They'll tell you to turn the porch light off for... let us start with parents.

We thank God for them bringing us into this world and providing what they could for our survival and sometimes our satisfaction. However, parents can be some of the most toxic love (care) partners. From birth onward, parents hold this unnamed power over their child[ren] in the name of being the parent. They say it's to keep the child[ren] from getting harmed or doing bad things or not wanting them "to have to learn the hard way." But what if what's hard for parents isn't hard for their children? Sometimes, parents serve as dictators over their children because they want their children to live a life that reflects the life they didn't get to live, the life they want their child to live, and a life that looks good on paper and in pictures. That's not love. That's abuse of power. It's toxic. 

Some of us fall into the trap and end up running in circles trying to please our parents. We stay under their wings beyond comfortability because they're our parents, and we don't want to hurt them. We make decisions with their happiness in mind, opposed to our freedom. We hold onto hope that things with get better, until one day we wake up as a Grown Behind Child despising our parents because we chose to leave the porch light on, waiting for them to see us as a fellow human, opposed to someone they can dictate.

Beloved, parental relationships can be toxic too, and in loving yourself, you've got to turn the porch light off. To be honest, they'll be better for themselves and you because they will be forced to do the work without you enabling them. They'll be able to see their missteps without feeling like they're under attack by their child. You can love them without making yourself a home for them and their projections. They'll find their way without your light.

As for romantic lovers...

In December of 2019, I went to brunch at Sweet Chick with my soul sister, and we talked about our attachments to our exes. The way we checked in to see how they were doing. To see how happy or unhappy they were. To see where they were in life. Deep down inside, we were still holding on to hurt and hope. While our situations were different, where we stood was the same-- single women leaving on the light for past lovers to return when they're ready. We were willing to guide them back to us. We were willing to wait on a love that was not waiting on us in return-- let alone preparing itself and growing for us. As I sat there and listened to her tell me about her reasons for holding on and the way she was holding on, I thought back on my own situation with an ex who showed me time and time again that there was no reason for holding on, and all the ways I've waited on other lovers-- waiting for them to see me as worthy. In that moment, drowned by the background noise of fellow kin' folk enjoying the company they were keeping in that moment, I told her "we're turning off the porch light" for the company we were trying to make room for, for that was not company that needed to be kept. Instead, it was a heavy weight that kept us running in circles-- shoulders caving in and hearts closing in on flatlining. If I learned anything, I've learned that love and compatibility are not the same thing, and we need not treat them as such. 

Tip for the women: If your mind and heart are not agreeing on what to do and you just so happen to be having sex with somebody, your flora will tell you what it is and what it ain't, and she will never tell you a lie. Honor her. Thank me later. 

That's something I wish I would have adhered to sooner than later, but you know, such is life. I'm grateful I get the opportunity to write untold stories based on my own experiences that I know other women experience, too.

You're not alone, even if your porch light is still on. Months before that December sit down-- six months to be exact-- I wrote a poem dedicated to my ex stating all the ways in which I would wait around, leaving the porch light on. 

It's no straightforward task releasing attachments. In all my years of loving romantically, it wasn't until the conclusion of my last romantic situation that I learned how to transcend space and time without feeling like I should leave the light on for the possibility of a return. 

We deserve to give ourselves the opportunity at a better love.

So Beloved, take a moment and evaluate all the people who have access to the home that is you. Find out your reason. identify your fears of moving on. With all your might, even with a shaking hand, turn the porch light off, and give yourself permission to journey freely again.

I love you.

Talk to you soon. xo- Britt 🌹