You Cannot Fix People

You were told you had everything you needed within

Power

Ability

Resilience

Light

Purpose

But somehow you keep falling short when it comes to love

You couldn’t stitch them back together

Put all the broken pieces in their place

Rearrange things to make space...

For you

Ego.

Ego will have you thinking you’re God

Have you thinking you can fix humans

Because you can’t fathom meeting them where they stand

Your role is to love them.

As they are.

Support them as they heal their own scars.

But you don’t like this deck of cards. 

You always say “that’s not in the job description”

So why are you trying to play a role beyond your position?

aint.no.fixing. ~Brittany K.W., 10/13/2020

Recently I was conversing with one of my sister friends about our experiences with love in adulthood, and if I could sum it up, it's highly ghetto. Her and I have always had a soul connection, but the similarities in the complexity of our experiences with love is scary. If you asked us two weeks ago, we'd tell you we did everything right. We've been honest lovers, supportive lovers, sensual lovers, over-lovers-- the list goes on. However, in this moment I can tell you where we got it all wrong.

We tried fixing the people we love(d). We tried fixing them with every ounce of our being in hopes that everything would work out the way we wanted it to. In my own experience, attempting to "fix" people meant ignoring the red flags. It meant making myself smaller for my significant other to feel adequate. It meant me overcompensating and taking on baggage that wasn't mine to unpack. It meant walking on eggshells because they had too much to worry about and work on, so I became overly gentle just so I didn't ruin what we were building-- not knowing I was unconsciously destroying what love is meant to be. 

Love is a choice between two people to invest equally into building together and progressing forward, consistently. It means choosing each other daily, even on the not so good days. This also applies to non-romantic relationships and non-monogamous (your bond with each partner is different). As for me and where I failed, I would do my part and pick up whatever my partner couldn't give. In return, I ended up with an empty cup because while I was overcompensating and trying to pour into my significant other (in different relationships and "situationships"), they were focusing on trying to pick up their own pieces, and whatever they had left was what they would give. More than not, that wasn't enough, and that wasn't their fault. Typically, me giving too much was a choice I made-- an obligation I put on myself. I was the root of my own emptiness. Take it from me: You cannot make somebody love you better (or be ready for commitment) by loving them harder!  

If a person is not meeting your needs in every aspect (majority of the time), you are free to let them go. If a person is not what you want, you are free to let them go. If a person is no longer the version of themselves you desire, you are free to let them. Do yourself a favor, let it all go. Don't go looking for your tool box to try and figure out how you can rearrange their priorities, speed up their growth, or fix them. Don't go burning a red candle praying to God they will be fixed for you and your desire for compatibility. 

All relationships require compatibility in some form, and if nobody's ever told you, you cannot fix somebody into being compatible. Another take it from me point: You cannot fix people!!!!!!! People are not your personal projects. You can't take away what you don't like in their life. You cannot remove their trauma. You cannot throw away their insecurities. You cannot change their love languages. You cannot change who they are. You can figure out if you are willing to invest time into building with them. You can figure out if you want a relationship or friendship. You can figure out your intentions. You can ask God if it's in alignment for you. You can show up for them. You can love them. You can support them heal. 

To try and fix somebody is to tell them they're not good enough, along with negating their experience. To try to fix them is also to be an egotistical idiot. Yes, egotistical because unbeknownst to you, you are trying to rush their healing process for your own benefit. You are silently telling them, "You're not good enough in your present state, and I don't like who you are right now, so change and do so quickly." Leave God to do the fixing, but the God within you is capable of doing something that's not fixing-- supportive healing work.

Loving somebody means wanting what is best for them and to see them reach a point of internal happiness. It means you pray for their progression towards being their best self. It means you support them as they heal. Healing looks different for everybody, as does the support they need (let them vocalize what type of support they need before you do too much (it may change as time goes on)). Sometimes healing support means listening. Sometimes it's you making food that nourishes and heals their body. Sometimes it's sharing books (my jam). Sometimes it's sending a playlist of songs they can vibe and meditate to. Sometimes it's praying to God on their behalf. Sometimes it requires stepping outside of the romantic realm and giving them space to solely focus on healing and growing. Sometimes it's letting the whole idea of being with them go in that moment (you're not obligated to wait around for anybody to be ready).  I know that's the last thing we'd ever want, but when you love somebody you make that choice daily, and real love is wanting the best for who you love-- even if that means setting your wants aside because they don't align with your partner in love's necessary process. Don't take the need to change the course of direction personal (take it from meeeeeeeeeeee, honey).

Your love's journey is their own-- not yours. You need not take it personal when things change-- it has nothing to do with you. If you feel some type of way, check your ego. Check the timeline you made ahead of time of how things would go down. Check the image you created of what you wanted them to be that was contrary to who they have been showing you and telling you about all along. Everybody's healing doesn't look the same, and no you cannot fix them or speed up their process. 

So Beloved, the next time the possibility of love comes your way-- or even if you have a significant other at this moment-- evaluate what you want, what you can and cannot deal with, what you are and are not capable of as a lover, what you will and will not accept, and proceed from there. If you don't like what is in front of you, bless it, release it and move on. And if you make the choice to stay and invest your time, love and energy, remember you have no business trying to fix them-- even if it seems possible (it's not). 

I wish you well in finding a love in alignment... a love that brings you security, peace and compatibility. 

Talk to you soon. xo- Britt 🌹