Save You....

And no matter how much time passed by
I always found myself wanting to help you carry the load

    Unpack it
            Fold it 
                    Get rid of it 

But I can't keep drowning in your laundry
The stains are starting to become permanent
    On my heart

            On my soul

                    On my love

and I'm realizing I can't save you.

There's nothing I could have done different
No matter how many different ways I put it
No matter how many scenarios I've created to justify it
No matter how many times I replay it all over in my head

Nothing.

save you~ Brittany K.W., 09/25/2022

There are things we all have in common. We all have two eyes. Two ears. One nose. One set of lips; two if you are a woman. One mind. One heart. And a yearn to save people we love from themselves for the sake of us being able to love them up close opposed to at a distance. Feel seen? I know. That might just mean you're a good lover-- sometimes an over-lover, at your own expense.  May I tell you a secret? You can't save everybody in the name of love. Sometimes, loving at a distance is what is required of us-- even if it hurts at first. Loving up close when it's not meant to be is fertile ground for hurt, confusion... resentment.

-----

Bedford Stuyvesant, January 2, 2001

"'It could all be so simple... but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle... and we both end up with scars.' C'mon now! Because... yes, ma'am..."

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill had Che` in her feelings as she finished slicking down her baby hairs. She perfected a half-up, half-down hair style to complete her look, having added her own flare to a dress she found in a thrift store to go with the white thigh high boots she bought from Wild Pair. Her expertise in fashion from Fashion Industries came in handy when it came time to repurposing and designing clothes. Industries is where she met Bahati. They've been inseparable for 12 years, and for that same amount of years, they've been designing and making clothes within the four walls of Che's office, where she had her own sewing machine, mannequin and all the things clothing designers would have in a studio. 

She was going to dinner with Alana.

Alana had dropped off flowers with an apology letter lost in between the stems the night prior. It had been four months since they agreed to stop seeing each other-- having made an attempt at dating three months after Ma told Che` to let go of things and people who weren't holding onto her. It was five months filled with acts of love rooted in lies, miscommunication and chaos, that ended in disdain, resentment and Alana telling Che`, "I tried. We tried, but I don't think this is working," before Che` grabbed her black velvet clutch and trench coat from the seat adjacent to her.

"I don't know why I expected more from you," she said to the woman who became a serial heartbreaker, before walking out of the restaurant they went to on their first date. "I pray you heal and let love in-- I really do. I pray you're better for the next one."

Then, came New Year's Eve. Alana had attended the same New Year's Party that Che`, Melina and Bahati attended, and she couldn't help but to watch and feel Che` throughout the night. 

The thing about Che` was she didn't have to say a word to you or touch you for you to feel her-- she was energy... a vibe to experience. Alana wanted that experience up close, again-- felt like she was finally ready.   

--

"Absolutely not!" Bahati's frustration, rooted in hurt and disappointment on behalf of her sister-friend, was seeping through the phone. "She doesn't deserve you. How much Che`? How much will it take for you to see the bigger picture? She's not ready."

"Titi," Melina interjected on the three-way call, stopping her friend before she could ask another question or say something that would, ungently, begin opening old wounds. 

"I miss--"

"Being lied to? Somebody picking you up and dropping you like a bad habit when their traumas arrive?  She can go right back to that narcissistic ass girl she's been dealing with and leave you the hell alone! No. No. Absolutely NO."

Bahati couldn't help herself. She'd been holding her tongue since Kache` began talking to Alana again the last time. 

"But--"

"Che`, I love you from the depths of my soul, but at some point you have to draw the line." Titi was trying to reel it in and be more gentle in consideration of her sister's heart. "At some point you have to stop allowing yourself to accept things that hurt you or dishonor you. Love doesn't do that, and you'll begin resenting yourself for how you let people treat you."

"I know, but everything else was beautiful," Che` uttered while trying to mask the discomfort of holding tears in. "Nobody ever considered me like that."

Silence filled the space that begged to be filled with laughter-- or some sort of joy. 

All she'd ever wanted to experience was someone who could make her feel, again. Someone she could pray with. Someone she could travel with. Someone to cook with and dance with in the kitchen. Someone she could live up under-- and she did it. But it costs her. 

"You're scared ain'tcha?"

Melina was holding Che`'s heart in her hands, knowing it had been battered. She had held Che's heart for every heartbreak-- including the one when she found out her kindergarten crush had himself a little girlfriend. They redefined a sandbox friendship. 

Che` was stuck, staring at herself in the mirror-- not knowing what to say to her sister-friends. She was scared but trying to love bravery down her own spine to hide the fears that made home of her mind and heart. 

"You're scared the feelings are never going to come around again. You're scared that nobody's going to love you the same or better, that nobody's going to protect you the same-- think the same. You're scared because you thought this was going to be your last dance, and in the case it didn't work out, you feared it would be your last chance to dance."

She knew her friend had accepted more than her heart can handle-- more than Melina's love could heal. Kache` was such a gentle giant. Impenetrable, externally, but soft and loving internally. Melina wanted to protect the internal-- wanted her sister-friend to experience a love she didn't have to heal from. But she knew Kache` would  go through circles of forgiveness in the name of love-- even if it hurt. 

"Y'all don't know all the ways I was loved well," Che` was pleading her case. "That was home to me for months. That's where I was held close, where I was considered, where I was seen--"

"But not always honored, Kache`," Bahati said, while turning off the gas burner heating her glass kettle of water for a cup of red raspberry leaf tea.  "You deserve that-- to be honored, in conjunction with the love, acts of service, physical touch, and beautiful experiences all at once. That can happen for you. But first, you have to honor you. You have to model that. You have to set the boundaries. "

Bahati had muted herself so she could vent to the God and the ancestors about her sister-friend. She knew Che` deserved more. She had been through too much in love, and Titi knew there was someone out there that was ready to check all of Che`'s boxes.

"There is somebody out there who knows the ending to all of your sentences. Somebody who will make you feel safe-- in every realm. Somebody who will pray with you and will go buy all the ingredients for a floor wash or spiritual bath on the days you forget." Titi began speaking her manifestations for her Che`, knowing God was faithful. "Somebody who will cook, clean, build, listen-- all of the things, for and with you. There is somebody who believes in everything you believe in. Somebody who will dance with you, who will play Luther, Anita or Marvin from a jukebox outside your window to show their love for you."

The three bursted out into a laughter, birthed in the pits of their stomachs. Anybody who knew anything about Che` knew she was a lover of that musical trio. It was the laugh that broke the heaviness and emotion that filled each of them. Because as much as they were talking to Che` about what she deserved, they deserved that too. 

"And if it comes back, let it come back healed and whole-- not just sorry. But still be a woman of your word. Go," Melina said, knowing how Che` felt about principle and being a woman of your word. "But protect your heart and maintain your boundaries."

"And DON'T forget that last part!" 

Bahati had to reinforce what she knew her sister-friend might compromise. 

----

Sometimes, we're too gracious, and we end up hurting ourselves in the long run. We create fertile grounds for resentment by compromising our own boundaries. We allow others to get away with that which we would never ask them to put up with. We do it all in the name of love.

But love doesn't feel like that, and sometimes our sister-friends will be the ones that have to remind us. Sometimes, we're too blind to our own disappointments that we're willing to keep trying to make things work, only to end up running in the same cycles.

So, Beloved, listen to your heart, but also listen to your inner voice, your intuition and your sister-friends-- not your jealous friends-- your sister friends. Give yourself the chance to experience a healed and whole love-- one that you're sure of. Give yourself the chance to rise and grow in love, rather than falling in it. There is somebody out there waiting to make it all make sense for you, in an honorable way.

You deserve it.

I love y'all. 

Talk to you soon. xo- Britt 🌹