What Do You Really Want?
A choice to leave you be
As much as loving you has healed my heart
It’s broken it too
And I don’t want to feel like I’m doing too much
Asking for too much
Thinking too much
no answer. ~Brittany. K.W., 02/03/2021
We break our own hearts, sometimes, and we blame it on other people for what they did or did not do. Pointing the finger elsewhere is easy, especially when things come to an end, but pointing the finger at yourself and identifying where you messed up... baby, that's not easy. What's harder than having to accept responsibility in a heartbreaking ending? Realizing that you messed up at the beginning. Realizing that somebody told you what it is and what it ain't at the beginning. Realizing you never communicated your expectations and boundaries, so now you're here mad at someone who didn't even know what you wanted. Worse than that? Realizing that you wasted so much energy and time doing things they never asked of you, hoping they would see that what you were doing was how you wanted to be loved back (don't do that).
So, now you're heartbroken and tired, and time has come and gone (along with a decimal place in your bank account), and it's not tangible for you to grab and pull it back to you. Three things that don't come with refunds: time, energy and money spent on moments. There's no do-overs there. How do I know?
If you've been here before, you know I don't write about anything that is not my story to tell, so yesssssss-- I have been the one who skipped all the steps in the name of love (not just romantic). I've made myself small, gave too much, received too little, got upset, got my heart broken, questioned everything I did (even thought I did stuff that I didn't do), and self-sabotaged. BUT I've also learned where I messed up and how I can do better for my own heart... actually, I'm still learning because I'm human and learning isn't a straightforward path.
Long story short (medium): I am a chronic waiter. I wait on people to get it together. I wait on people to heal and make myself feel bad for wanting to move on when I'm not receiving what I need because they're doing one of the following: "healing", healing, healing, or healing. Yes, every single one of those has a different meaning because everybody isn't healing the way they think they are (we'll talk about that another day). I make myself feel guilty for wanting more for myself at the expense of leaving someone else to journey alone. Meanwhile, I journeyed on my own, and I'd like to say I turned out to be a lighter person. However, my downfall is I try to be for people what I wish someone was for me. I see for people I love what they cannot see. So, I stay-- upset, unstimulated, annoyed, empty yet pouring, unloved yet loving. I turn red flags into pink flags hoping soon they'll turn white then invisible, and everything will be okay. To make matters worse, I don't communicate the non-positive feelings (not negative) because I walk on eggshells trying to make sure I don't do any damage. Don't be like me. Don't be superhuman for anybody besides yourself (and children if you have them). Their fight is not yours, and you're not obligated to stand in the ring with them-- you'll get defeated before all their issues do.
So, identify your tribe of accountability friends and get a hold of your cape (self-love), Beloved, because we're about to be our own superheroes and save ourselves, and as friends, we're holding each other accountable. Our time, energy and love are too valuable to waste.
What's the formula? I + S + L = Certainty
Before anything else, trust your intuition-- you know that feeling you get without giving much thought to anything. The feeling that tells you "baby, this isn't going to work out" or "this isn't your time, assignment, or person." It is your spiritual being trying to save you from yourself, whoever or whatever. If you do that, you won't need another step on how to dodge heartbreak. Intuition will beat you over the head-- you'll keep having the same thoughts about something, your situation will pop up in your dreams, the truths you didn't even know what the truth come up in your dreams, you become uneasy about something, the math won't be mathing... it will literally scream at you. The crazy part is we don't listen to our intuition as much as we should, unless it agrees with our hopes and plans, of course.
After intuition, say what it is that you want! Don't hold back. Don't make yourself small. Don't compromise your needs for the comfort of someone else. You want a relationship? Say that! You do or don't want to have sex? Say that! You desire chivalry to exist between y'all? Say that! You desire someone who is spiritually on your level and has the same belief system? Say that! Your love language is words of affirmation? SAY THAT! You don't like this or that? SAYYYYY THAT!!! Anything that is a priority for you, or even just a thought or feeling, SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT! As for your hesitation, doubts and fears in speaking up... SAVE IT! Throw it in the trash. Release it!
"But Britt... I don't want to be difficult to deal with." You don't know "difficult to deal with" until you're sitting in your room questioning your worth, on the phone with your girlfriends crying because you feel like you're being dragged along by your heart, feeling hurt by the bumps and curves from a rollercoaster ride you were never supposed to get on... until you're empty because you overcompensated for something that didn't water you in any of the ways you needed to be watered. That is going to be "difficult to deal with," and you have to be both the mess and the janitor.
When you're not speaking, listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. The red flags scream just as loud as your intuition. When people say what they don't want, believe them. When people say a relationship isn't what they're looking for, believe them. When people say they don't want you to save them, believe them. When people say they just got out of a relationship and/or are not completely healed or over a person, situation or relationship, believe them. You cannot change the permanence of what already is, and even if it is temporary, it is not your responsibility to speed up the process-- that is selfish. You can want somebody or something all you want, but to try to manipulate it is abusive, toxic, and will kick you in the ass faster than you think love will come knocking on your door.
And when you've followed that basic formula ( + any additional steps you may need on your own journey) life happens for you... without tension. If you are one of those people who ignores all the signs and skips all the steps, I promise you, tension will fill the space that you hoped would be filled love, peace and joy. Healing and divine love cannot exist in such spaces. So, let the Divine do the work. Let everything happen in alignment. Life is not designed to happen to you-- it designed to happen for you. Let it. Don't force it because it'll swing at you full force if you do.
So Beloved, I hope you give yourself the freedom to be free, heard, seen, watered, and loved in your relationships. I hope you never have to sit in your personal sanctuary pondering your worth, where you went wrong, or how you could have made it work. Feel your spirit speaking to you. Speak the desires of your heart. Listen and see what is being expressed back to you. Journey lightly.
Talk to you soon. xo- Britt 🌹